A Note From Father Jim
Since last month's message was about Christian Sexuality, this month it seems only fitting to write about a related subject: Christian marriage.
"What God has joined together let no man tear asunder." (Mark 10:9). We are all very familiar with these words; God takes 1 man and 1 woman and joins them together in a life long Covenant intended to be one of mutual love, joy, support and encouragement. But in reality there are 3 people in every Christian marriage: a husband, a wife and Jesus. God not only does the joining in the Covenant, he enters into it with us.
In this article I'd like to share with you a few ways we might improve our marriages. Most of these ideas I have gleaned from a wonderful article by Joyce Meyer. Joyce has some very helpful articles on marriage on her website and I'd encourage you to check them out online. Joyce and her husband went through some very difficult times in their marriage so her advice is not only Godly, but also bred in personal experience.
Fixing – One of the best things a couple can do to improve their marriage is to stop trying to change their spouse. Lay down your need to "fix" your spouse and instead love and accept them the way they are unconditionally. Commit to being the kind of spouse that God wants you to be. And, more importantly put God first in your life; that will make you a better spouse.
Work On It – A good marriage happens on purpose. Make the best of your relationship. Purpose to love your spouse no matter what. Pray and ask the Lord to give you creative ways to bless your husband or wife.
But It Takes Two! - In working with couples or individuals experiencing difficulties with their marriages I hear one repeated phrase, "But it takes two to make a marriage work!" Yes, this is absolutely true. But it starts with you! You have to take the first step in improving your relationship.
More Grace – How do you speak about your spouse to others? Do you lift her up? Do you praise the God-given attributes he has? Is your talk around the water cooler complaints or praises for your spouse? I'll just be blunt here – you must stop complaining about your spouse. Complaining just adds to the problem by cursing them with your words. Instead, focus on the good things they provide to you and your marriage. Your husband may do nothing but watch tv when he is at home, does he provide for your home and sustenance? He may not be living up to the standard of the perfect husband, but change in him begins with you telling him that you appreciate what he is doing and blessing him with your words. Thank your wife for doing what she does.... Praise her for who she is instead of putting her down for who she isn't. Speak life and blessings into your husband's life and into your marriage...and watch him change and your marriage improve. And sometimes you have to bless your wife for a long time before you start to reap what you’ve been sowing!
Forgive – Whenever 2 people live together interacting day after day things are going to be said and done that hurt the other person. Forgiveness is a key component of a successful marriage. We must learn to give and receive forgiveness quickly and completely. Grudges and unresolved issues will only grow into bitterness and short-circuit any attempt at peace in the home.
Meyers says, "Forgiveness is the core ingredient to every successful relationship. So many people carry exceptions to their offer of love. 'I love you, but you really hurt my feelings yesterday.' Or 'I love you but I'm too tired, too busy, too distracted, too annoyed, too angry, too unhappy to be nice to you right now.'"
Forgiveness is not an option. Jesus commands it.
Unconditional Love and Commitment – Every spouse needs to know that their husband or wife will always be there for them; no matter what. The commitment to marriage has to be 100%. The wedding vows of the Church do not contain an "if" clause or an escape clause. Instead they say that I will never leave you nor forsake you no matter the situation. Anything less than this violates God's design for marriage. Anything less says that my commitment to you is based on certain conditions. God loves us unconditionally; we are to do the same.
Sacrificial Love – Love is the highest form of maturity. It often requires a selfless sacrifice. And if we aren’t willing to make some sort of sacrifice on our part in a relationship, we are not really expressing love at all. Remember: Love is a choice. Human love is so limited. It gives back in response to what someone has done (often out of a sense of obligation) and it is often used to manipulate others to gain control of them. Marriage is not about control – it's about sacrifice. When it comes to marriage, you must have God’s love in your heart in order to truly love your spouse. When you do, you’ll always have his/her best interest in mind and desire to serve and support them. You’ll focus more on what you can do for your spouse than striving to make sure you get your way all the time.
Sacrifice is not always fun or easy, but when it’s motivated by Godly love, it always brings greater peace and joy to your soul. It is a powerful investment in your marriage that will reap great rewards because God will work in both of your lives in amazing ways as you trust and obey Him.
True love simply says, “I love you!” No exceptions! I want to encourage you to give your heart and your marriage to God completely. Trust Him to give you the grace to love your spouse as He loves you. The blessings that will come as you diligently submit and sacrifice as God leads you to do so will far outweigh the growing pains you experience in the process!
Ask God to give you the grace and to change you in order to improve your marriage. Ask him to show you what you can do, how you can bless your partner in marriage. I promise you, you won’t regret it.
Jim+
Recommeded Resources:
Making Marriage Work, Joyce Meyer
The 5 Love Languages, Gary Thomas
The Love Dare, Alex and Stephen Kendrick